Super Dad Bods

Are you a Dad in your 30's or 40's?  Maybe you lost your fastball and let yourself go?  Every Fall, do you dread breaking out your jeans to see which ones still fit? A new study released by a Swedish research institute suggests that this Fall you might need to go cape shopping instead of jean shopping.

The Research Institute of Sweden (RISE) specializes in public sector research in data collection and cataloging for bioeconomy and health.  Dr. Janell Van Kirk, who specializes in the human metabolic cycle, has been studying males between the ages of 25-45 for the past 16 months to see how their bodies change with the onset of life stressors such as marriage, children, professional demands, and of course, the psychological affects of “not being 18 anymore.”  

“My initial study was to simply see how life changes men and what are the biochemical responses to life crushing one's soul.” Dr. Van Kirk outlines.  “What I found out, is that as man’s body changes, his new features give him borderline superhuman features.”

An example of this is what Dr. Van Kirk calls “flygskam” or as Americans say “lovehandles.”  Much like a smaller, more stout football running back has the ability to make faster cuts to allude defenders due to a lower center of gravity, a man’s love handles lower his center of gravity from the shoulders and chest closer to the mid-section.  This gives a man with a dad-bod the ability to have a greater sense of balance and agility.  “The problem” Dr. Van Kirk continues “is that with the extra weight of the dad-bod, its hard to generate enough speed to utilize this new ability.”  

Another superhuman trait is what Dr. Van Kirk calls “misslyckande” or “dad farts.”  Biochemically the male body changes as the fat-to-muscle ratio changes.  This causes unexpected strain on the digestive system which has to employ a wider variety of bacteria to process the increase of twinkies, ho-ho’s, swiss cake rolls, fudge rounds, zingers, oatmeal cream pies, suzy-q’s, ding-dongs, zebra cakes, nutty bars, honey buns, donut sticks, and if you’re really desperate, sno-balls.  These new bacteria produce methane and sulfuric compounds that are more potent than a skunk smell, just in a much less concentrated form.  In fact, a Dad fart is so pungent, Sherwin Williams is looking into its chemical composition to market as a new paint stripper.  

Dr. Van Kirk explains “Passing gas has been outlawed in Sweden since the Great Smell of 1968, so I had to get special governmental permission to study this area.  I believe the US military is looking into weaponizing the male odor…its that bad, I mean good.  Definitely, much more so than the average male.”

Other superhuman qualities of the Dad-bod include:

  • Enhanced sense of smell for finding food
  • Harder teeth enamel for eating food
  • Quicker reflexes for grabbing food
  • Boosted empathy for falling in love with certain foods
  • Heightened emotional intelligence for when someone is trying to get you to eat healthy food

Dr. Van Kirk will continue her research for the following months as the COVID-19 quarantine will make Dad-bods more prevalent.  Dr. Van Kirk concludes “Just like the American comic book, X-men, are Dad bods the key to the next step in the human evolutionary scale?  And from a philosophical standpoint, what happens if everyone has a special Dad-bod?  Is no one special?”

So the next time your wife smacks your hand for trying to put a box of snack cakes in the grocery cart without her knowing, remind her that if you don’t eat those delicious Tasty Cakes, she is holding you back from your super hero destiny.

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